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"A Merry Heart Doeth Good Like a Medicine"
A Laughter Stop while you Shop!

Got a good CLEAN joke?... send it in!(Just go to the contact page)

Sayings

—If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you; it's yours forever. If it doesn't, you should never have listened to the hippie that told you to let it go.

—Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

—Why not go out on a limb? -- that's where the fruit is.

—A real friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out.

—When the Devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

—You may have to lose everything to find that God is the only thing you will ever need.

—He who dies with the most toys... lost allot more than just his toys

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Amish/Quaker Jokes

a) A Quaker's home was in the process of being robbed. The quaker proceeded downstairs, and said to the robber, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot".

b) An Amishman had a fine productive dairy in emaculate condition. He had but one trouble on his farm. A certain cow would perpetually give him trouble, kicking and jumping in the milk stall, and often bruising his shins here and there, or stepping on his feet. After much longsuffering, the Amishman became exasperated by the cow one last time. In the height of his anger he said to the cow: If I may not strike thee, I shall sell thee to my neighbor and HE shall strike thee!

c) An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Notice: I had one Amish woman who was disturbed by these jokes, as though they intended to make fun of their people.. I wrote her to assure her that there was not the least ill intent in them, and that I shared many of their beliefs. I never heard back from her, but because I am extremely sensitive not to injure the feelings of any, if one more anabaptist type contacts me with a greivance, these jokes are gone, despite their intent. Or even if you are not Amish/Quaker, if they strike you in any negative way, please let me know, and I'll just remove them. Thanks.

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Lawyer Jokes:

a) 99.9% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

b) What is the difference between a dead lawyer in the road, and a dead possum? The possum has skid marks in front of it!

c) How many lawyer jokes are there? Only one. The rest are true stories.

d) It was noticed by local charites that a certain vastly wealthy lawyer gave nothing to their causes, and so they deputed one of themselves to approach him that they might tactfully solicit his contributions. The individual approached the lawyer and said, sir, we have noticed what a man of means you are, and it appearing that you make no present contribution to public causes, we, noticing how amiable a person you were, were emboldened to approach you to solicit your assistance in our many worthy causes for the public good. The lawyer in a measured indignant tone replied, Well, I have an aunt that is crippled, and has no means of support, but you didn't know of that did you? No, said the other. And, said the lawyer, I have a neighbor whose husband died having seven children, and no means of support, but you didn't know about that either, did you? No, said the other. And, said the lawyer, our church has several men out of work, who seek my daily assistance, but you didn't know about that either.... DID YOU, exlcaimed the lawyer. Embarassed, the charity worker shrunk back, and began to become apologetic, when the lawyer continued...... And if I didn't help any of them, what makes you think I would help you?

e) A man stranded on a deserted island found a brass lamp, and rubbing the lamp a genie appeared. The genie told him that he had three wishes, but hastened to add that whatever he asked for, all lawyers in the world would get two of them. Content the man asked for a million dollars. That is fine, said the genie, but remember, now all lawyers will also get a million dollars. Next the man asked for a Mercedes Benz automobile. That is fine, again, said the genie, but remember that now all lawyers in the world will get two Mercedes Benz automobiles. Being informed that he had but one wish left, the man said.... you know, I've always believed in helping out medical research.... I wish to donate one of my kidneys.

f) At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was sorealistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished disbelief while the layman present blurted out, "It's obvious that the left one is phony!" The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, "Why, it's easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity."

g) "Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession."

h) Client: Excuse me, do you have a moment? If I pay you $150, will you answer three legal questions for me?
Lawyer: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?

i) Q. Why do they bury lawyers 9 feet deep, rather than the usual 6 feet? A. Because, deep down, they're not so bad.

j) As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

k) What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

l) Two young boys had just met and began conversing about their families. One said to the other, "What's your dad's job?" "A waiter", replied the other. "And what is yours", he asked in return. "A lawyer", he replied. Honest! replied the boy. No, said the lawyers son.... the regular kind.

m) Did you hear about the man who hijacked an air plane full of lawyers? He threatened to let them go one at a time if his demands weren't met!

n) How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Ans. Only one, if you run him through fast.

o) A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs."Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

p) A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, “I think the light was yellow,” or, “I think it was still raining.” The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, “We don’t care what you think. What do you know?” The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, “Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I’m not a lawyer, I can’t talk without thinking"

q).What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

r) From the Lawyers code of ethics: "A man is innocent, until proven broke."

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G.I. Joke!

Private Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for sign-up for the insurance, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you don't have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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DUMB jokes:

a) Why do ant eaters never get sick? Because they're full of anty bodies.

b) A guy walks into the doctors office with a radish in one ear, an olive in the other, a cherry
tomato in one nostril and some parsely in the other. "I don't feel so good," he says to the doctor. "Well," the
doctor replied, "that's because you're not eating right."

c) What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

d) What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in!

e) When is a door not a door? When its ajar.

f) What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty (2:30).

g) What do you call a post partum cow? De-Calfinated

Originals from HHR folks: (Dumb jokes our specialty)

h) Why did the Crocodile have phychological problems? Because he was living in da Nile.

i) What do you have when two doctors decide to charge only a dime for an office visit? A paradigm paradox.

j) What do you name a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.

k) Why was the rabbit farmer scared? Because he had a hare-raising experience!

l) "Why are computers always trying to fix everyone's problems?"
Ans. It's a symptom of code-dependency".

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Political Jokes

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I
would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,"You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am,"
replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea
what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not
been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am,"
replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't
know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you
are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have
no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now
it's my fault."

How to Tell if You Are a Liberal:

Excerpts from an article from The Washington Times, Monday, April 22, 1996 by Don Feder

You hate Hillary jokes.

You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).

You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.

You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.

Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.

You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.

You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren't.

You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.

You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.

You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.

You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.

You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.

You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.

You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.

Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point of this column.

Don Feder is a nationally syndicated columnist.

And.... I add my own.....

You think that "Government of the people, by the people, and for the people", can be crammed down the throat of the people at cannon point, and yet not "perish from the earth".
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Future historians will be able to study at
the Gerald Ford Library,
the James Carter Library,
the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore
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A Direct Hit Indeed:
A Democrat, a Republican, and a statistician that were out deer hunting. A beautiful buck ran in front of the three and the Republican shot, immediately missing 10 feet to the right while the Democrat also shot, missing 10 feet to the left. The statistician jumped up and down in ecstasy yelling, "We got him! We got him."

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Doctor Jokes

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this reply...

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

Patient: "Doctor.... I broke my arm in two places"
Doctor: "I would avoid those places"

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Three doctors were on their way to a convention when their car had a flat. They got out and examined the tire. The first doctor said, "I think it's flat."
The second doctor examined it closely and said, "It sure looks flat."
The third doctor felt the tire and said, "It feels like it's flat."
All three nodded their heads in agreement. "We'd better run some tests."

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

What do you call two doctors reading research advocating the use of natural therapies?
A doulbe-blind study!

Miscellaneous Jokes:

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong
about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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A little girl asked her mother why some of her hairs were turning grey. The mother replied that every time the little girl had made her mother sad by bad behaviour that it turned one of her hairs grey. The girl thought for a moment, and replied to her mother..... Mommy, why are all of Grandma's hairs grey?
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A policeman pulled over a man for going to slow on the freeway. As he approached the vehicle, he noticed a man violently shaking in the back seat, as if in a terror. Ignoring him for a moment, he informed the driver that he had been travelling much to slowly for a freeway. The driver said, Oh, no, officer...... I ALWAYS go the speed limit..... ALWAYS. The policeman retorted that the speed limit was 55, and that he was traveling at only 30 miles per hour. The motorist protested that the posted speed limit was indeed only 30 miles per hour, pointing to a sign just ahead of them reading "30". The patrolman rather sacastically replied that that sign was a Highway indicator, and that they were travelling on on Highway 30, and was not a speed limit sign. The traveller, embarrassed by his mistake, and its defense, apologized to the officer profusely, pledging his fidelity to keep all the speed laws. The officer, issuing no citation began to return to his car, when he noticed again the man quaking in the back seat. He then turned and asked the driver..... "Say, why is this fellow in the back seat in such a terror?" The motorist replied..... "I don't know officer..... he's been doing that ever since we got off of Highway 150.
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A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick, and told them he wanted to meet with themn in the ladies room at 2:00 PM. They gathered at 2:00PM and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
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The minister of a city church, while not a drunkard, enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping
for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
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The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner
tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out
for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
"No, this is 322-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

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The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were atending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters", said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness", said the UH student.

"And what is the opposite of depression?" he ased the young lady from the University of Texas.

"Elation", said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, AM, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up".
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(UT & Texas AM have an inveterate animus, wheather real or in jest, that prompts them to be constantly making jokes about one another's stupidity. We don't wish to enter into their frivolity or rancor, but thought it a witty play on words)
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A dignified and refined old woman approached the abode of a less fortunate neighbor, and finding a young boy at the door, asked him in the most refined English diction.... "Young man, might your mother be found at home". The young boy replied rather gruffly, "She ain't here". The old woman, a little taken back by his curt reply, responded, Young man! Where is your grammar! To which the boy replied, "She ain't here either"!
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THEY NO LONGER NEEDED GOD
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
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A woman in divorce court complained to the judge that her husband had not spoken to her in 20 years. The judge turned to the husband standing there, and demanded an explanation. He aquitted himself by saying, "I didn't want to interrupt her."
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Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Ans: Because he was Hayden.
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Some Startling Statistics...

Number of physicians in the U.S. ...........................................700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year ................120,000
Accidental deaths per physician..............................................0.171

Number of gun owners in the U.S. .........................................80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups).....1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner...........................................0.0000188

Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

NOTE: While I deplore the methods and character of the modern medical profession, yet justice constrains me to point out that the above conclusion is based upon two fallacies.... a) It must take into account BOTH accidental AND intentional deaths caused by both to determine the relative general danger of either class, in which case the numbers would be far far different, since murder would then be added to the tale. If "gun owners" and "doctors" may or do kill intentionally, then their accidental causing another's death is not the only reflection on the danger of their respective class. The risk of an accidental death is not the ONLY risk associated with a given class, and cannot be rationally abstracted from it. b) While all MD's are hopelessly indoctrinated by pharmeceutical corporations to treat everything with a DRUG, thereby killing more people per year than likely die by murder in that space of time, yet nearly all of them are trying to help people, think they are helping people, and in some instances do help people.... (namely, in their considerable facility at diagnosis, or in treating trauma, the former of which seems to tempt many of them assume god-like proportions in their own minds, the latter of which is only so because they forbid all their competitors to do it, by lobbying law makers.) The real danger, in my opinion, is when the government has all the guns.... who will then protect you from the government? Those that aspire to this objective of gun control, (read: Hitler, Mau, Lenin, Stalin, Clinton), are the ones who have proven themselves the most dangerous to the public saftey. Only when the people are armed, will criminals, either among government tyrants or in the civilian element, be made to fear the just consequences of their crimes.
Logical, political, and ethical commentary over.... back to humor......

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True Stories

This is a true story......
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- Apparently a true story! Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous,
they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry
snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter
crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX
airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
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Starnger than life:
(I did hear from one of our customers that this story was an "urban legend", and wholly false, so I include it with that caveat.)
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog.He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life. "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel."Is that your son?" the nobleman asked."Yes," the farmer replied proudly."I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education.If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."And that he did.In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St.Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

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